Eight months and my love grows stronger. Bittersweet: bitter hole but sweet sharing my memories of Manjula with this week’s guests.
Slowly
Tag: love
What helps
It’s so easy to fall into the quagmire pit of negativeness. Dwelling on the sadness of her last few weeks,the whipping stick of blame or the grief of how much I miss her. She is of course happily still with us in so many ways. I am so fortunate to have fond memories that I cherish and as the brain gets more befuddled I have lovely videos of Manjula talking to me and you. I came across one yesterday on a posting about us both coming to terms with the changes. You can find it here with her lovely humour even at the most difficult of times. I love you Manjula
lethargy no more
I’ve committed to writing our story but it’s not quite happening. I live in India where nothing goes to plan and I’m English so used to orderliness and predictability; that combination alone, can be a mountain to climb. In my careers, I’ve been: initiator of projects, corporate trainer and now cycle tour guide. I sell ideas, pass on the passion, create change. I’m a storyteller in so many ways, so how hard can it be? Surely, it’s just an extension of what I already do?
Yet, I’ve hit the writer’s fortified wall surrounded by an impassable moat. In the mix of emotions and challenges is the usual insecurity; the lack of direction; uncertainty about my ability to write the story; the grief itself and my remorse from a whole series of what-ifs leading to a mountain of regret.
I’ve read novels, guides about writing, famous memoirs which seem to go through the eyes, get mashed in the brain and somehow leave my body with only the slightest lasting impression. As part of this learning and the need for tangible experience, I’ve written a handful of short fictional stories and then invited what feels like a mangling through the raw roasting of an editor.That may have set me back.
As a consequence, the outlook for our story does not look good.
I’ve now joined Skillshare for online training to help provide insights, direction and instil routine. I’m living in hope.
Since her unaccepted death I know I spend too much time fretting on what went wrong and the mistakes I’ve made.
To help create the story there is material from Manjula’s audio recordings in her own language, video recordings in English and interviews with friends. It’s now all down to me, the failing husband.
I feel I’ve let her down yet she always lifts me up. There’s a clue to what will get me out of the self-pitying, self-imposed, lethargic doldrums.
The answer is my muse, my Manjula.
Manjula over ten years has been our energiser. Everything was for her. Together we created a successful tourism business, a wonderful life, the envy of many of our guests. Manjula is the lettering through the English seaside rock. She is in anything and is everything; her pictures fill the house, the logo, the web site, our blog, every single aspect of my life in India is Manjula, her presence is within and around me. Her memory, my beautiful Manjula – will never be lost. I’ve found joy, wit, love and happiness and it continues. It’s Manjula who will help me to reach through the dirty, dusty, murky curtain, past the most difficult times, to that whole collection of memories that make up our life and that will lift me from the pits and motivate the telling of our story.
Happy Diwali Manjula, I love you.
My beautiful star, ruled my world.
……
You light the skies, up above me
A star, so bright, you blind me, yeah
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t fade away, don’t fade away, oh
Yeah, you and me, we can ride on a star
If you stay with me, girl
We can rule the world
Yeah, you and me, we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side
We can rule the world
If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I’ll be there for you
You’ve saved my soul
Don’t leave me now, don’t leave me now, oh
Yeah, you and me, we can ride on a star
If you stay with me, girl
We can rule the world
Yeah, you and me, we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side
We can rule the world
Oh, all the stars are coming out tonight
They’re lighting up the sky tonight
For you, for you
Manjula’s even got me into ‘Take That’ from the Stardust Movie.
The Phoenix Coup
Our factly fiction five parter: The Phoenix Coup…..
…. ‘life will never be the same again’, meet Maisie and her family and the extraordinary events they face in this five parter.
All five parts are now posted on line. This is amongst my first attempts to write fiction. I promise I will get better. Do let me have your feedback to help improve my writing.
Part one
Part two
Part three
Part four
Part five
Falling in love again…..
It’s time.
This might sound like self imposed torture, (our initials were S&M!):
-reading through the transcripts created by Vidya from Manjula’s Kannada audio recordings, or
-watching her talking to video camera in English,
-having conversations about my love with Tanu, Satish and Ina with the help of Faizan and Sumukh who are researching and recording.
I miss and don’t want to lose any memories, of course she’s with me and to you my friends it might seem a hard thing to do, even masochistic, it’s very difficult, but it’s also wonderful in the sense that I discover even more about Manjula and fall in love all over again.
Only to arrive back home to be greeted by this….
Hello Stephen, This appeared in my mind when I thought of you and Manjula: “Beautifully she lived and lives in your heart and soul, She sings through the world around you, “Express your love for me by living a kaleidoscopic life” It is written as it appeared to my mind and I felt I wanted to share it with you. Love, Kali
Thoughts and Feelings, Fond memories April 2019 onwards
Further thoughts and feelings as Manjula flies the nest.
Postings from April through to August
Grief, the three bucket method….beginning to work out how to manage some of the grief and push some away! There are all sorts of ways to deal with this situation Unreturned love of my star, including poetry and more of the journey Private mission: grief recovery and wobbles Key stages, behind the scene. Happiness is a choice you make is a very helpful perspective in this difficult situation, Three stages are quite apparent now. Stepping stones are another analog in Doddery
Memories of Manjula, key images around the house partly as a Hindu tradition. Manjula more memories flowers flowers flowers, pictures pictures, pictures Can there be too much?
A significant anniversary, four weeks after Manjula died she sponsors meals at the Ashram but what are those symbols appearing on our streets. Which change before our eyes in Mixed feelings. Seven weeks since
Ap pagal hey, are you mad?
A getaway, Lucie and I take a break and then we have to leave Kerala farewell. Election time while we’re in Kerala and a reminder of the first time Manjula voted.
Here’s a plan, friends are so helpful. AWOL two friends become directors to replace Manj I travel to Europe and north America to visit guests for Manjula hugs
To live in others hearts is not to die is such a great way to think about it
A smile, Manjula had a remarkable beacon of a smile a common theme…
What happens after we die and Helping children with death, discussing Manjula’s death with my granddaughter.
Manjula’s watching, still being the boss, sending a message from where her spirit is resting ….. did I say resting?
With a little more help from our friends an appeal for memories of Manjula. Here are some of the memories, others will be featured in other ways! Missing Manjula 2 There must be a Manjula 1 somewhere. We also remember with Jingle jangle and New thing for memory of Manjula
Manjula my muse, and she continues to be…
I’ve been fortunate to get away for almost two months in June and July Back home is a challenge
The factly fiction stories
Stop the magic roundabout and Magic roundabout again are my initial thoughts that led to the magic roundabout story.
Watch this space, the relevance of Karma. I then released my factly fiction story Magic roundabout and Magical thinking helps put it in context. Then mmm.
A factly fiction story looking for a home led to a dream for one of our guests Great response
Life in India
Phew, we have to find some help.
As part of our giving we want to do something new, but Oh no not again and
as i realise the implications of having to relate to officialdom again. Our revise experiences of sorting out IDS, Passport, visa and registering he business with the City Corporation have been detailed in our story.
Forever Together
“This feels com-ple-tely weird
How the heck, did it happen?
Please, move over, I’m feeling claustrophobic. We are so, not the same size!
To me it feels like the two of us are crammed into a sleeping bag, just like the one we bought for you to go camping in England. If you curl a bit I’ll curl round you, like two spoons together. Yep, yep, that’s it.
Much better.
So you’re the Hindu, can you explain to me what’s happened?
Nope.
OK, I’ll hazard a guess.
I must say, as cramped as this is, I am so pleased to be with you, I know its not exactly physical, more meta-physical but I can actually feel you and its wonderful. I just don’t care about anything else. I lost you and I’ve found you again. Super!
Its also amazing how we can communicate just through thoughts. Are you thinking in Kannada or English?
A mix of both.
You clever dick. You’re the boss. 🙂
Ok so here’s my take on it.
I think it’s something to do with reincarnation. Once we die and we’re released from our body our spirit finds a new home, a new body and begins its next life. Agreed?
Well, there’s also a belief amongst some people that couples can be reunited in their new life.
Yes, I remember discussing this with friends and joking about whether we’d wish to be reincarnated with our husbands! Most didn’t seem to want to be.
I did though!
You and I have had some disagreements. I don’t think you realised how hard it was for me, at times but I loved you to the end of the earth, and beyond
Remember me saying that?
Of course
I love you too.
So how have we ended up here?
The last I remember, you had a second heart attack and you didn’t want to go back on a ventilator, you’d hated that the year before, even though it gave us another year together. So I asked the Doctors not to resuscitate and you died.
Afterwards, I was on my Enfield, squinting through the tears on my way back to Siddartha Layout, to sort things out so I could bring your body home, when ….
BANG.
A lorry knocked me off the two wheeler and next thing I know I was here with you.
Where is here? by the way.
I don’t know but I’m beginning to adjust, I’m not feeling bunched up anymore – I’m getting used to it.
I remember being in hospital and you made a joke about me not smiling so I giggled and smiled, last thing I remember I was complaining that my head hurt.
Then I was in a valley, having passed through a bright sun light. People were singing and dancing. I thought of you and whispered a message, that I loved you, to a passing dragonfly. Then as if by Magic, you appeared and I saw you through the crowd coming towards me.
Wow. So let me get this right, we’ve died within minutes of each other and somehow our souls have joined together, reincarnated into the same body. How amazing is that?
I feel that we’re gently melding together, we’re becoming as one.
Well, I didn’t read about this in the Bhagavad Gita! Did you?
Waahay, this could be fun. Maybe we could give a TED Talk.
Tom and Amy
Tom and Amy first keep to visit us what to them might seem like a hundred years ago. They were introduced to us by the lovely people at Indiasomeday which continues to be our favourite agency.
After that first trip, we decided to designate them as our adopted children as we got on really really well. On their return home they got married, resigned from their jobs and became nomads.
They now have an exciting adventure filled life as itinerant travellers working then travelling, travelling and working.
Tamy have become part of our lives. Amy was our celebrant at our wedding and Tom took the photos. They continued to be with us during Manjula’s difficult times due to her illness. When she died earlier this year, they immediately changed their plans, rode over the hill to the rescue….. well, flew back to India to stay with me for a couple of weeks. I hadn’t realised how important that was to me, they were a godsend . They’ve now visited three times, this year alone and some guests have come to think they actually live here.
We meet up to eat a vegan when our paths cross in London.
They’ve created two lovely videos of Manjula and I and our work here. Please check here for the videos and a link to their own seeking skies site.
Manjula absolutely adored them, Tom and Madam’s witty banter and humour fed off each other.
Did I mention they’re vegan? Real activists who live their beliefs, working hard to try and save our planet, to show the older generation their mistakes and provide a positive path to the future.
Thank you Tom and Amy for helping me survive this incredibly difficult time.
SF
11th August 2019
Great response!
Our following increases with more people checking out our postings.
This is a new one however.
Ina the perpetual guest really liked a recent one.
It made her think of a Robbie Burns poem….
She asked why wedding rings are made of gold;
I ventured this to instruct her;
Why, madam, love and lightning are the same,
On earth they glance, from Heaven they came.
Love is the soul’s electric flame,
And gold its best conductor
And then she had this dream….
She entered a jewellery shop,
In the centre of the floor was a wooden chair.
It was covered in carvings of people’s initials.
The jeweller explained that it came from a school where it had been carved by young lovers.
It was symbolic of first love and that was the role of a jeweller recognising and celebrating love.
Ina blames my story for her dream….
Me and MYCycle 