I have to say something about this….. but I’m not ready to yet, beyond the following…
… I’ve just had helpful discussions with my sons. It’s critical to be heard.
Other friends have fedback that they’ve recently seen a real difference in me.
“Grief is not one thing, and it is not linear. It looks and feels different for everyone, and it can hit you at any point – even months or years after the fact.” From this article in the Guardian Newspaper.
I don’t recognise this, but as I say — it’s different for everyone.
There is the risk of ‘pathologising” ie to ‘label’ things unhelpfully and somehow blame the individual.
But back to the first point, I believe grief after we lose someone is always with us, as I’ve said before it’s a new life-long-friend that we have to learn to live with for the rest of our lives.
We don’t get over it, yes it changes particularly through the process of grieving but it remains with us.
I say again .. we don’t ‘get over it’ and such statements can be at the very least unhelpful.
I understand however that there are some situations when the raw roughness of grief can be absolutely debilitating. At times it has been for me.
I have however valued the opportunity to share my feelings online and directly with friends. To celebrate Manjula and shout about her from the virtual treetops. That helped.
To reiterate … the bottom line is that this situation is unique for everyone and we all deal with it differently.
It’s June and a new book has arrived for Manjula’s library. After over four years you’d think I’d stopped buying such books but far from it.
It’s another refreshing look at this challenging new life.
It reminds and reinforces that yes I could and should invite people to come share their stories.
If you get to the end of this posting and no 1 you’re still awake and 2 it resonates with you experiencing something similar and you might want to gain and provide support, then join our meeting.
Poor Sowbaghya has to listen when Lucie has shown me the paw and Billet-Doux treats the place like a hotel.
Are they giving me a not-so-hidden message?
OK, I’ve bored her, explaining how (she knows) I read a lot, so have a broad knowledge (superficial) of many things.
That includes what to do about my current situation.
The problem is : we know stuff but do we act on it? We may have received the information but it’s not sunk in or led to the necessary change.
It’s as if I’m in an automatic Photo Booth that’s lead lined or surrounded by an (iron) curtain that stops the information getting through. I get it but not enough as it does not lead to action.
For example Kanchana gave me the ‘secret’ book and Tom has provided all sorts of positive insights—many others have helped— but it’s not led to the realisation of awareness and ‘action.’
You know the sort of stuff.
Well it began to fall into place this week. The timings right on the fourth anniversary of losing MAnjula
For more than four years there’s been a volcanic reaction, starting with the denial, then the acute shock of loss followed by the slow constant grinding down of grief.
Leading to anger and intolerance, to myself and others. it’s all so wrong… that negativeness is not what MAnjula (aka Full Full) and I are about.
It’s had its ups as well as downs and I’m generally quite robust (or so I thought) but the biggest challenge is the blame, the guilt, the what-ifs, wrapped up in depression. I have the overall feeling that I’ve let Manjula down and now I can’t do anything about it as she’s not physically with me anymore.
But I can …
learn to forgive myself, let the past be there, continue to celebrate MAnjula and as Louise says
“Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back”
I really believe that but now need to act on it.
I remind Kaveri to ‘be kind’ and I need to listen and act on it myself and with myself
Did someone speak?
Hay’s book appeared in Manjula’s library, on the 23rd March, a gift from Rakesh
Speak to the paw.
Farrell Factoid
Goes without saying, listening is an integral part of this process. This popped up today.
I’m reminded of how I’d felt the need to protect my broken heart — like this one in a bottle — while looking around me at the images of my beautiful MAnjula which trigger happy joyful memories of our wonderful but short time together.
Tomorrow we’ll share a meal with MAnjula and a few close friends.
The Heart and the bottle by Oliver Jeffers. This picture book story is part two of a series of three of my postings, number one is grief gravy. If you visit and read each one you’ll realise it reflects something of my recent journey which many of us share.
His stories and artwork are wonderful. My granddaughters favourite was the one about the crayons writing letters to the child.
whose head was filled with all the curiosities of the worldwith thoughts of the starsshe took delight in finding new thingsIt might never have occurred to the girl what to do had she not met someone smaller and still curious about the world.
Manjula and I have given many away as gifts. All his books are also available for our guests and friends at Manjula’s Library in Mysore Bed and Breakfast.
Look out for the third posting in this series, revealing more of my journey.
I refer to more of Oliver Jeffers’ wonderful books in other postings. Do look out for his work for the children and adults in your life.
A first cycle tour after a loooong gap and what a lovely couple Diana and Josia, from Mexico and the US respectively, currently working in Chennai.
In my attempts to be the wise owl I passed on the two key pieces of advice of the many things I’ve learned from Manjula.
Be there for your partner, we’ve heard so much about presence there’s a risk of overkill but when I read this (see below) it seemed so pertinent. Our love means we should be present for the other.
The second piece of advice is to prepare for the end. In terms of helping each other plan and as part of that decide if you want to be resuscitated. It doesn’t matter how old you are.
Article here about older people and their plans for ‘letting them die.’ How young is too young?
I think it’s safe to say that I haven’t been avoiding it.
I’ve travelled through the most difficult period in my life. I’ve faced it, even embraced it, it’s still with me and always will, grief has become my unwelcome friend.
As I follow Manjula’s teeny tiny steps, remember our happy and yet challenging life together, as peeping through the cloudy sadness I learn more and love more about her, realise how lucky I was and continue to celebrate my beautiful, wonderful, kind wife.
I’m sharing always, and I continue to write our story but it will be some time yet before it’s finished. At times, it feels like I’m showing my devotion by building the Taj Mahal in matchsticks. So hang on a little longer. 🙃
In the meantime, there’s early postings about our life together, here on our site for you.
Me and MYCycle 