Unending love
Category: Manjula still with me
Getting it
Poor Sowbaghya has to listen when Lucie has shown me the paw and Billet-Doux treats the place like a hotel.
Are they giving me a not-so-hidden message?
OK, I’ve bored her, explaining how (she knows) I read a lot, so have a broad knowledge (superficial) of many things.
That includes what to do about my current situation.
The problem is : we know stuff but do we act on it? We may have received the information but it’s not sunk in or led to the necessary change.
It’s as if I’m in an automatic Photo Booth that’s lead lined or surrounded by an (iron) curtain that stops the information getting through. I get it but not enough as it does not lead to action.
For example Kanchana gave me the ‘secret’ book and Tom has provided all sorts of positive insights—many others have helped— but it’s not led to the realisation of awareness and ‘action.’
You know the sort of stuff.
Well it began to fall into place this week. The timings right on the fourth anniversary of losing MAnjula
For more than four years there’s been a volcanic reaction, starting with the denial, then the acute shock of loss followed by the slow constant grinding down of grief.
Leading to anger and intolerance, to myself and others. it’s all so wrong… that negativeness is not what MAnjula (aka Full Full) and I are about.
It’s had its ups as well as downs and I’m generally quite robust (or so I thought) but the biggest challenge is the blame, the guilt, the what-ifs, wrapped up in depression. I have the overall feeling that I’ve let Manjula down and now I can’t do anything about it as she’s not physically with me anymore.
But I can …
learn to forgive myself, let the past be there, continue to celebrate MAnjula and as Louise says
“Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back”
I really believe that but now need to act on it.
I remind Kaveri to ‘be kind’ and I need to listen and act on it myself and with myself
Hay’s book appeared in Manjula’s library, on the 23rd March, a gift from Rakesh
Farrell Factoid
Goes without saying, listening is an integral part of this process. This popped up today.
March 2023 update
We continue to celebrate and recognise beautiful Manjula with …..
Next…..
Is Manjula’s fourth death anniversary and …
We’re already … Meeting and preparing with crafts and more books for Kaveri’s second Summer Holiday.
And Manjula’s library is getting used…
Ina
Ina leaves … The premises and now I’m sad.
Ina from Adelaide was Manjula’s closest friend., amongst our guests
It was as if there was an essence of MAnjula wafting back here with me, as she regaled me with the stories of the times they’d spent together. More dimensions of my wonderful were revealed.
They’d sometimes, maybe usually arrange for Ina to visit when I was away.
I can’t think why.
After first visiting in 2014 she was back in 2015, shortly after we got engaged and then each year with breaks solely due to the pandemic.
In 2018 we had a great time (yes I was allowed to be here) celebrating Manjula’s 45th birthday, also hosting our first ‘ workawayer ‘ Willian from Brazil.
During this visit which lasted two months! The longest ever. 👍🏽🤔🤭🙂
We went to a traditional dance to share with MAnjula. Then made a special celebration of Manjula’s Birthday as Ina had missed our big event in August on her birthday itself.
Led Lucie astray.
… revisited places on Srirangaptnam close to MAnjula and I, that had featured in our wedding.
Ina together with reading ‘a pocketful of happiness’ by Richard E Grant has helped me realise — as oddball in Kelly’s Heroes would say: “less of those negative waves man,” —- that I’ve allowed the grief gravy to engulf me leaving angry bitter negativeness in its forever trail.
So I’m going to sort it and get myself back on track to rewrite our story with one or two innovative tweaks.
Ina’s farewell note:
Stephen having Manjula in my life was one of the best things that happened to me, I still think of her a lot and she continues to be a great inspiration.
Tears again
An evening out
For the Manjula’s Mysore team who helped create the event on Manjula’s Birthday
And a reunion of our holiday in Kannur
And our chance to celebrate MAnjula together.
It’s that day of the year …
… when the warriors ask the gods to bless their weapons
In our case the scooter, Enfield and Ambassador
Carefully washed beforehand, so that’s at least once a year.
In the midst of the puja, horned beasts invaded, we have no weapons and in any case they are goddesses . So we peacefully asked them to move along.
On completing the puja, my role was to ride each vehicle to squash the limes, the goddesses returned to eat the offerings.
All the local traders (Hindus anyway) and neighbours got in on the act.
Feeding her spirit
On Manjula’s death anniversary in March and at this time of year we especially remember MAnjula and feed her spirit. Others will remember their own relatives.
It’s the equivalent of All Hallows’ or the Mexican Day of the Dead. Here’s a bit about the Hindu version.
Close friends who could fit it in amongst their own rituals helped by preparing food and joining the puja.
Vasanth and his family and Satish together with Sowbaghya made all the preparations: the food and puja.
Then waited outside to give her time and space to enter the house and feed.
Making plenty of noise as we re-entered so she could quietly retreat.
Only then could we eat with our Special guests Ina, Rhadika and Kaveri.
Then it was time to relax and remember, sharing Manjula’s trademark happiness.
Why I’m so lucky
I first shared ‘why?, in a posting in 2015
I’ve just rediscovered and want to share a recording that Manjula made that year. It’s quite long but you’ll get the gist pretty quickly.
I’ve had difficulties uploading it so please follow the link to see the video, it’s one of the best
I share this gift from Manjula — as a follow up to Why? — as we approach what would have been her 49th birthday. On her birthday itself we hope to make a few other friends. Please check back to find out what happens.
In the meantime, if you’re interested, there’s more of our story here.
Should I be Retracing steps?
After meeting up with our mysore BnB family at WOMAD and knocking on a few of their doors I went camping.
I shouldn’t have been.
It proved to be a tonic.
over to bee-man Stephen to drop our beautiful tent, return the fancy hire car and prepare to return home
In my experience, when grieving, we regularly get ambushed by memories of magical times together. They make me both happy and sad. I’ve learned not to run away but to face them, even create them, so it was ok to retrace my steps.
Thank you for joining my journey and your support.
Durdle Dor in Dorset England
A wonderful place to visit in south of England.
I’ve been here before with ‘you know who’.
This time it’s not raining
There are always one or two other people but not on the scale of India
While sitting in a cave reminding me of my teenage trip Crete and Joni Mitchell but it’s the family camping visit here to commemorate my eldest son’s wedding and my 60th birthday and with my beautiful wife-to-be makes me happiest.
It was our second big trip together in the U.K.
Baby Dor
above all adding to my magical memories of time spent with my MAnjula
Me and MYCycle 