Category: full full

Getting it

SF2 Comments

Poor Sowbaghya has to listen when Lucie has shown me the paw and Billet-Doux treats the place like a hotel.

Are they giving me a not-so-hidden message?

OK, I’ve bored her, explaining how (she knows) I read a lot, so have a broad knowledge (superficial) of many things.

That includes what to do about my current situation.

The problem is : we know stuff but do we act on it? We may have received the information but it’s not sunk in or led to the necessary change.

It’s as if I’m in an automatic Photo Booth that’s lead lined or surrounded by an (iron) curtain that stops the information getting through. I get it but not enough as it does not lead to action.

For example Kanchana gave me the ‘secret’ book and Tom has provided all sorts of positive insights—many others have helped— but it’s not led to the realisation of awareness and ‘action.’

You know the sort of stuff.

Well it began to fall into place this week. The timings right on the fourth anniversary of losing MAnjula

For more than four years there’s been a volcanic reaction, starting with the denial, then the acute shock of loss followed by the slow constant grinding down of grief.

Leading to anger and intolerance, to myself and others. it’s all so wrong… that negativeness is not what MAnjula (aka Full Full) and I are about.

It’s had its ups as well as downs and I’m generally quite robust (or so I thought) but the biggest challenge is the blame, the guilt, the what-ifs, wrapped up in depression. I have the overall feeling that I’ve let Manjula down and now I can’t do anything about it as she’s not physically with me anymore.

But I can …

learn to forgive myself, let the past be there, continue to celebrate MAnjula and as Louise says

“Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back”

I really believe that but now need to act on it.

I remind Kaveri to ‘be kind’ and I need to listen and act on it myself and with myself

Did someone speak?

Hay’s book appeared in Manjula’s library, on the 23rd March, a gift from Rakesh

Speak to the paw.

Farrell Factoid

Goes without saying, listening is an integral part of this process. This popped up today.

Why I’m so lucky

SF3 Comments

I first shared ‘why?, in a posting in 2015

I’ve just rediscovered and want to share a recording that Manjula made that year. It’s quite long but you’ll get the gist pretty quickly.

I’ve had difficulties uploading it so please follow the link to see the video, it’s one of the best

I share this gift from Manjula — as a follow up to Why? — as we approach what would have been her 49th birthday. On her birthday itself we hope to make a few other friends. Please check back to find out what happens.

In the meantime, if you’re interested, there’s more of our story here.

The evening before

SF3 Comments

Smileys appear on our street.

I’m reminded of how I’d felt the need to protect my broken heart — like this one in a bottle — while looking around me at the images of my beautiful MAnjula which trigger happy joyful memories of our wonderful but short time together.

Tomorrow we’ll share a meal with MAnjula and a few close friends.

grief gravy

SF6 Comments

I have swam in it, swallowed it, fought it, opened my arms to it, shrivelled from it, tolerated it, hated it,.. It’s hit me like a personal tsunami, been wishy washy, sticky beyond treacle, invaded my brain to make it fuzzy and cracked open my tentative comfort zones. I know it’s a lifelong friend I have to accept it. It’s equal with and probably surpasses the combined effect of all the worse times in my life and for the first time uncovered real solid regrets.

It’s a gravy train that doesn’t bring benefits or maybe it does.

My heart was broken by losing Manjula, I covered it up and held it close but now I’m beginning to feel able to open my heart again. So there are positives to discover and learning to reveal.

I now love Manjula even more and in ways that I couldn’t imagine. I’m tentatively beginning to be kind to myself.

Part two of this series of postings is the heart

Thank you for your support during this horrendous journey.

  • OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I love you Manjula

Zoom time.

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It’s 58 minutes, with two minutes to go. The Englishman likes to be on time and a little early.

Tea is made and in my favourite ‘cranky old guys rule’ mug. Lucie’s medicines given, computer switched on, air bud things in my ear, matched to the comp Bluetooth, WiFi working ok. Check, quick splash of the face ooooh forgot my treat, a doughnut from SAPA bakery.

I’m sorted.

Redrafted structure of our story sent to Pam yesterday for discussion today.

We’re ready to roll.

Except woooooooooo I’m exactly one hour early the meeting is at 11.00 not 10.00!

Idiot.

I’ll now spend a few moments reflecting in the present. It’s a new thing I learned from Madam

Is this early onset of, you know A……., over excitement to dive into the ‘Labour of Love’ unlikely as I have to constantly deal with being taken over by ‘idle-ous-ness and lethargy’ combined (it’s in the air and not a new thing).

Or have I just lost it? Probably.

I’ll have to wait.

Doughnut now or later is my biggest current challenge.

Labour of love.

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News Release

Cummings comes clean to British Parliament on what has been going on under the surface at Mysore Bed and Breakfast. We can now reveal never been seen before comments from the guestbooks

As part of the research for our story I’ve been reading some of the guest comments from our first two seasons in 2011 and 2012.

Yes, it was ten yesrs ago that we started, initially just in the upstairs house.

What a lovely task it’s been. A real joy travelling through time, I’m amazed at how well it triggers memories of the guests themselves and the things we did together.

It’s wonderfully warm, reading the feedback and especially their appreciation of Manjula. Frankly, I could do without being constantly reminded of who was the real boss. 😉

There are one or two that might not be suitable for wider publication…..

Here are some selected highlights.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE

“Steve you’re a bastard.” I’ve edited it in case young people might be listening.

“So we debated for 15 minutes about how to express our emotional response to our stay at mysore B&B.” and then they wrote nothing!

“What an arsehole. No seriously what an arsehole…” 

I suppose I’m the ‘has-been’ that never was.

I am of course, seriously and tearfully happy from these wonderful reminders. I’ll include more details in our story next year, where people are just sooooo gushing about ‘you know who.’. You’ll just have to wait.