Three stages

Our (Manjula and my) friends are really really cool and warm.

After three months I can appreciate (wrong word if it ever implies like!) three distinct and overlapping stages (not quite the right description) that also still exist, often all at exactly the same time.

The first is raw, extreme grief that fills your every moment when not concentrating on physical practical action things such as rituals and sorting things out. It still raises it awful ugly head and manifests itself in salty wetness every single day. Needless to say it also involved anger, pity, it was frankly messy. Sharing my feelings and the support of friends around the world was superb. Overall though it was and still can be really shitty. More on the three buckets of grief can be found here.

Second stage became more obvious and vivid when I was at Liz’s house (big ex, mum of my boys and still a great friend of Manj and I). On a small corner table was a photo from my eldest son Ben’s wedding with Manjula in the group. During the evening I found myself looking away from her picture as I was overcome by sad feelings. At that moment I properly realised what I’d been doing and what I needed to do next. The sad memories of the difficulties she experienced, particularly at the end and of her being snatched away needed to be and were being replaced by lovely memories of our time together, the adventures we’d created and how much of a difference we’d made in each other’s lives. I therefore spent more time Looking at her photo, appreciating her beauty; remembering the joy and the wonderful life we’d created. Things slowly start getting better.

Third stage. I’ve now met up with our friends in India, UK, USA and Canada to share our memories of Manjula. People’s care, kindness and compassion has been immeasurable. I now feel that whilst the above ‘stages%’ are still very much part of my life, and things will continue to be raw for some time, I need now to start pulling things together a bit, get a bit more focussed. To move from any regret to remorse, check article here. A critical part of that will be to confirm and clarify, speak out to Manjula, ask her forgiveness for the things I didn’t do, or wish I’d done more of or better, and recognise the amazing things we did do, thanking her for her time with me (that continues) and being an absolute star.

I love you Manjula and always will.

6 thoughts on “Three stages

  1. I had a phone call this morning from a common fb friend, he was surprised to find out about Manj and asked me what happened. Years ago he had come to the BnB to meet a guest and met Manj as well. He remembered her as a lovely person. They say a measure of life a person has led is the kind the reactions you get from ppl when they hear the news of the persons’ death!

    • Thanks V. I know of course but still nicely surprised by the impact she had on so many people. Beautiful person and lovely character that is sorely missed. S

  2. This is beautiful. My parents were soulmates, they loved each other dearly. After 6 years fighting cancer, we lost our mum in September. My dad was just overcome with grief. I thought I understood the depth of his grief, but I didn’t. He constantly told me that he was now ‘just living for me’. In June I finally got together with my own soulmate, the guy who I had been searching for for 41yrs. The same night that my dad met him, he passed away to be back with my mum. He died from a pulmonary embolism officially, but I truly believe that his heart was broken without my mum. So I understand every word that you write. Thank you so much x

    • Thanks Natalie, for sharing your story, so good that you’ve found your own mate and your dad was reunited. I completed all the Hindu rituals for MAnjula and it’s only later after discussing with friends, watching documentaries and especially reading Wiess’s books I get it. Just had a new portrait painted and created a garden in Manjula’s. Memory. Good to be in touch. S x

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