lethargy no more

I’ve committed to writing our story but it’s not quite happening. I live in India where nothing goes to plan and I’m English so used to orderliness and predictability; that combination alone, can be a mountain to climb. In my careers, I’ve been: initiator of projects, corporate trainer and now cycle tour guide. I sell ideas, pass on the passion, create change. I’m a storyteller in so many ways, so how hard can it be? Surely, it’s just an extension of what I already do?

 

Yet, I’ve hit the writer’s fortified wall surrounded by an impassable moat. In the mix of emotions and challenges is the usual insecurity; the lack of direction; uncertainty about my ability to write the story; the grief itself and my remorse from a whole series of what-ifs leading to a mountain of regret.

 

I’ve read novels, guides about writing, famous memoirs which seem to go through the eyes, get mashed in the brain and somehow leave my body with only the slightest lasting impression. As part of this learning and the need for tangible experience, I’ve written a handful of short fictional stories and then invited what feels like a mangling through the raw roasting of an editor.That may have set me back.

 

As a consequence, the outlook for our story does not look good. 

 

I’ve now joined Skillshare for online training to help provide insights, direction and instil routine. I’m living in hope.

 

Since her unaccepted death I know I spend too much time fretting on what went wrong and the mistakes I’ve made.

 

To help create the story there is material from Manjula’s audio recordings in her own language, video recordings in English and interviews with friends. It’s now all down to me, the failing husband.

 

I feel I’ve let her down yet she always lifts me up. There’s a clue to what will get me out of the self-pitying, self-imposed, lethargic doldrums. 

 

The answer is my muse, my Manjula. 

 

Manjula over ten years has been our energiser. Everything was for her. Together we created a successful tourism business, a wonderful life, the envy of many of our guests. Manjula is the lettering through the English seaside rock. She is in anything and is everything; her pictures fill the house, the logo, the web site, our blog, every single aspect of my life in India is Manjula, her presence is within and around me. Her memory, my beautiful Manjula – will never be lost. I’ve found joy, wit, love and happiness and it continues. It’s Manjula who will help me to reach through the dirty, dusty, murky curtain, past the most difficult times, to that whole collection of memories that make up our life and that will lift me from the pits and motivate the telling of our story. 

 

2 thoughts on “lethargy no more

  1. What would Manjula have to say. She’s is still with you in heart and soul. You are the lucky one who had her the longest knew her the best loved her the most. What luck to know so closely that beautiful spirited funny clever girl.
    You’re stumped with uncertainty at the moment. Don’t think of where you failed her you didn’t. You did you’re very best. It WAS good enough it just didn’t save her. Nobody could. Stephen you had the very best of times you loved each other. Thrived on each other’s wit and beings. How lucky to find a partner with such inner and outer beauty. Don’t fret if it’s not perfect at first. Just write she will emerge and then you can put it in order. You have already written so much.
    Best of luck mate. Libby.

    • Thanks Libby. That was lovely and so important to have come from you who became such a good friend who knew us well. I was surprised that after seven months it got harder. I must admit to being lost and slowly I’m finding my feet. Of course, because I’ve lost her, she was perfect 🙂🙃😉and that’s exactly as I want to remember her. I am beginning to see beyond the later difficult memories and focus more on the positive, celebrating her beautiful soul. You loving friend stephen x

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