I wasn’t feeling well this week and so Kaveri wrote me a note
How kind and thoughtful is that?
… and then I stumbled across this study which reaffirmed what we know —- how relationships are critical to a happy sustainable, satisfying life.
Here’s my girls …
My Indian wife and daughter.
Farrell Factoid Footnote
Kaveri isn’t actually my daughter but it’s as if I’ve ‘adopted’ her and support her on behalf of my beautiful caring compassionate wife
… about my purpose.
It was pretty clear this weekend.
I’ve adopted an extra grand daughter and this was our first weekend together since my return from holiday
Thank you Kaveri.
You are IT
Or stay the same
The choice is ours, whether it’s on an individual, organisational or societal level.
Some changes come easier then others but let’s stick with the question of — should we challenge and change?
In my view there’s an unequivocal yes.
As an individual and the networks, groups or communities we form, of course we change.
What’s learning if it’s not adopting and adapting to changing situations, and developing new ways of doing things (and thinking!).
Some people and organisations will challenge change and prefer to stick with the status quo.
When that happens, look a little deeper.
What’s their motivation not to want to change? Fear? Retaining or enhancing power?
One of the most important aspects of change is personal development, it helps create who we are.
But it’s also nonsensical to suggest there shouldn’t be change in our wider groups and society
It’s critical that we innovate and adapt, developing the requisite abilities. That might be number one priority.
Well not quite.
Our actual biggest challenge is friction, and by this I mean between people, their organisations, communities, and nations.
We need to develop effective sustainable relationships and to achieve that we need to learn to be kind.
That requires us to see things from the others’ point of view, to communicate, to connect, to be flexible and adapt.
Yes… change, constantly.
Maybe we can actually reduce violent conflict …. Now that would be cool.
So we can choose to change and not be stuck …
… in what previous generations have handed down to us
NOR
…. in our personal experiences and traumas
We can shift.
Simple eh?
Admittedly. It’s not straightforward … No it’s our life long challenge, to choose who we want to be and hopefully find happiness and contentment.
But if we’re not conscious and try we might just lose this lifelong opportunity.
There’s books I’d recommend, in Manjula’s library that help cover this.
So when we next hear someone rejecting change, said in so many ways: ‘that’s not our tradition’, ‘that’s how we do it here’, ‘it’s our culture’ we can’t, etc etc then it’s for the WPB
Ok, that might be a bit harsh, at least dive into more reflection and re-evaluation.
– Are our ways of thinking and doing fit for purpose anymore?
– Is it appropriate in this day and age?
Now that’s maybe opened a reactionary can-of-worms.
The following books are in Manjula’s library.
You might also want to check Vedanta! Perhaps recommend a book for the library.
Radiated through her smile and her actions.
As I’ve paddled my boat through the grief gravy the layers of Manjula’s love become more apparent. I learn more everyday from her life.
“But when you want to gain love through success, it cannot be achieved through anything quantifiable. The people that will be crying when you depart the world are not doing so because of any number that is tied to your name. They are doing so because you were a loving partner, a caring friend, or a shepherd of kindness. You are dearly missed not because of what you’ve earned, but because of what you represented.”
Friends, Romans, Countrymen .
No it’s not another posting about Shakespeare or Caesar —- it’s about a different inspiration —-
Manjula
As we approach the anniversary of Manjula’s partial departure five years ago (she is of course very much with us) I want to remember her beautiful wonderfulness and recall the good we’ve done together, in her name.
And so it’s also about you: ‘Manjula’s Kind’ friends who have given cash or help-in-kind or moral support to help me through the grief gravy and to take action.
Amongst these are (please follow the links for more information):
– granite benches and garden in our nearby park in Siddarthanagar in partnership with the MCC
-creativity days for 40 visually impaired young women,
– five events/workshops at Kaliyuvamane, (a ‘free/alternative school) for 100 children, there’s many mentions on our sites, here’s two … 1 and 2
– sponsoring a young girl who now attends Kaliyuvamane. The famous Kaveri who’s peppered throughout our sites and dominates my life.
– donating cycles
And many more actions
Thank you so much
Stephen
With Manjula
I have swam in it, swallowed it, fought it, opened my arms to it, shrivelled from it, tolerated it, hated it,.. It’s hit me like a personal tsunami, been wishy washy, sticky beyond treacle, invaded my brain to make it fuzzy and cracked open my tentative comfort zones. I know it’s a lifelong friend I have to accept it. It’s equal with and probably surpasses the combined effect of all the worse times in my life and for the first time uncovered real solid regrets.
It’s a gravy train that doesn’t bring benefits or maybe it does.
My heart was broken by losing Manjula, I covered it up and held it close but now I’m beginning to feel able to open my heart again. So there are positives to discover and learning to reveal.
I now love Manjula even more and in ways that I couldn’t imagine. I’m tentatively beginning to be kind to myself.
Part two of this series of postings is the heart
Thank you for your support during this horrendous journey.
I love you Manjula
as we approached the second anniversary of losing Manjula I took myself on one side and had a chat.
I will always have grief gravy to deal with, hopefully the flood that’s now a river, becomes a stream and in time a puddle. As part of that there is a shift towards pushing aside more of the upset and blame, allowing more space to remember the positives and her joyfulness.
The latest sign in response to that positiveness was three examples of people contacting me who might help create the garden, do interviews for ‘our story’ and help reach our story to more people. How cool is that? It’s another sign.
Another is our flag.
Out the front of our house its flapping to show, the Union Jack representing me, with the sun rising to provide a beacon of kindness, that’s Manjula and a crown because she’s a queen.
Here’s this weeks postings, if you missed them:
In planning for this anniversary we sponsor meals at the old people’s home
Manjula’s Anniversary Continuing, lunch and pooja to celebrate and help her soul find its new home, if she’s not already there, who else gets fed?
Kind friends sent messages, called round and shared poems here and here
There was an earlier sign
The anniversary reminded me of facing one of the most difficult decisions in my life which should not have arisen. Another example of me stumbling through life
It’s fifteen weeks now.
There have been so many goodwill messages I’m stuck for how to share them all…
Here are a selection from friends around the world.
“To live in other’s hearts is not to die”
Isn’t that wonderful?
a Fante Ghanaian quote
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Hi Stephen
In the very brief time I knew Manjula she made an impact on me with her kind nature and cheeky sense of humour.
I saw how much she was loved by people within the community.
While going through her serious health problems she still went out of her way to see if I was ok and enjoying my trip.
I was so saddened to hear of her passing and my condolences and warmest wishes are with you
Lawrence
x
Such sad news Stephen. We loved our time with you both at the BnB. Manjula was a beautiful person…. she will be missed by many.
Sending you lots of love Ruth & Alan xx
such a beautiful funny lady so very sad ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️xxxxx
So sorry for your loss, Stephen. Manjula was an angel and is shining her light and love over you, always.
So so sorry to hear of your loss. Have followed your beautiful journey thru FB…She spread her radiant smile far and beyond….Even to the unknown. Wish you all the strength.
Farewell Manjula.
You always had a smile and an impish laugh, for everyone.
Will miss you, as will everyone you touched.
Steven Robert Heath
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I’m so sorry Stephen. Manjula bought such a ray of sunshine to all she met.
Her beauty was both outside and within.
Her killer humour, her untold skills and cleverness.
You had the enormous joy to share this.
Your memories of her trip to UK.
Everyone who met her loved her.
She will always be in our hearts and yours.
With such sadness. Libby and Andrea Smith.
Manjula, dear, funny, clever, beautiful inside and out. You are in my heart forever 💕💕💕
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A truly inspiring couple… And am gald to have met an amazing and radiant soul in Manjula…
Prayers for her sadhgathi…
And your feelings and thoughts are so well penned down Stephen…
Prayers n much luv…
Guru Dutt Bharadwaj
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Some people come into our lives very briefly but leave a lasting impression ; Manjula Vellada was one such person #flyhighlovelylady
Mo Willot Hunstone
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I’m sure the house is feeling very lonely without her warmth! You two inspired a lot of people around the world … me included! You are loved by so many people … please hang in there! So many in life never get to experience the kind of special connection you two shared – feel blessed for that! Hugging my hubby a little tighter tonight … and sending you all my love! 🤗 😢
Emily
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Love is Sweet! and life changing, Noah Jamilu
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This is such a heart touching tribute to an extraordinary woman. Manjula will always be synonymous with Mysore and the beautiful memories we made there. Her dry humour and hospitality will live on… Ankara Anson
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Manjula was that little spark of surprise in the day, her food was delicious her face could light up a room, I am so sorry for your loss Stephen. Love and kind wishes Vicki and Ron
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One moment at a time.
One hour at a time.
One day at a time.
You will get there.
I feel blessed for having met you both.
Love and Hugs.
Chris
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Dear Steve
Please accept my sincere condolences for your deep loss, and indeed the world’s loss. I can’t imagine your pain but I can feel your love for Manjula. According to a fante (Ghanaian language)saying, ‘to live in other’s hearts is not to die’. I know this to be true Steve, and I hope will bring you some comfort. I am sure your Manjula is smiling and watching over you, with endless love.
Sue
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I stumbled upon your BnB when looking for some experiences around Mysore. Never happened to visit you guys but have followed you ever since. Feel like I have known Manjula and her inspiring life over the years through your posts; thanks for sharing your journey Akshay Surve
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My dear Stephen
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you are bearing up well. It sounds like you were expecting this.
I only met you and Manjula over a couple of days whilst staying in your home but I feel we have continued the friendship by the power of the Internet. You have kept in touch with your blogs and posts and I am sure I am not the only one who feels your loss.
Not much I can say but if you’re ever in my neck of the world you have a friend and a bed available.
With kind regards and sadness.
Stuart
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I followed your page with the hope of coming to Mysore one day. Manjula has been a luminous presence in your posts: such warmth in her smile. She was beautiful in so many ways. My deepest condolences sulwen
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Stephen I always harbored this small hope that Manjula (with you of course) would some day make it to my part of the world. Alas that will not happen but that sweet, dear face will always be a part of me.Diane
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Steve This is a very beautiful tribute to a very beautiful woman. You were both so lucky to find one another and have those years together. What a unique and special relationship it was and what a huge loss for you and the hundreds of people who met her and through you and your love of her grew to know and love her too. May she be sitting peacefully somewhere watching over you and feeling proud to have been your wife. Emma
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You were both so lucky to find each other and share those years even though they were surely not enough. They love you shared shone out so bright and clear and was wonderful to be around.
I can’t imagine your home without her spreading her warmth and I send you strength to move through the days. We send our love to you.
Your friends in Oregon.
Abby and Dean
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Farewell Manjula.
You always had a smile and an impish laugh, for everyone.
Will miss you, as will everyone you touched.
Stephen Robert Heath
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Our thoughts are with you; we had the chance to meet both of you last December and we will cherish this memory of you and her together in your beautiful garden. She had such a warm smile and a gracious presence.
Marie Andree Dubrule
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I’m filled with such sadness of the passing of Manjula. However whenever I think of her I do so with remembrance of her positive spirit, her wonderful smile and her sense of humour. She has left an indelible mark of joy in all of us. — with Manjula Vellada.
Thank you Stephen for sharing! I‘ve met Manjula and you only once a time in my life but I still feel really in a relationship with both of you. I have a lot of tears in my eyes, believe me … Again a lot of power for you! Be grateful that you find each other 🐝
Sabine Willers
I am so sorry Stephen both Lorna and I have happy memories of staying with you both some years ago. The laughter and happiness in the house created such a wonderful atmosphere. Our thoughts are with you David Cross
Stephen how lucky you are to have found each other. My heart goes out to you. xxxxx Libby Sandbrook
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Dearest Stephen
Yesterday Varis and I did a puja for Manjula with a Baba in a temple at the foothills of the Himalayas. I picked some wildflowers and threw them in the waterfall coming down from the mountains and prayed for Manjula’s soul to fly free. We prayed for you too, to find the strength you need to help you through your loss and heartache. They call this place the Land of the Gods. If we couldn’t be with you in Mysore, I’m glad we were here in this special place to pray for Manjula’s soul. Sending you love and healing light 🙏🏻 — at Palampur Catherine Cullen
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A star on earth is now a star in heaven
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Dear Stepen, we are very sorry to hear about the death of Manjula. We remember Manjula (and you) with great love. We stayed at your BnB for 3 night almost 5 years ago, and for us, this is one of very few places in the world which made us feel like home. We wish you all the best and may you find some comfort by knowing she made an impact on people all over the world. Take care, Oren and Ofra from Israel
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Stephen Farrell these photos came up on my memories today from 2 years ago. Just check out Manjula’s cheeky smile!! I know you probably have the originals as you took the photos but wanted to share them again with you. I’m so glad we had the chance to meet her (and experience her wonderful cooking!!) Hope you’re coping okay, be strong my dear. Sending you big hugs and love. X — with Manjula Vellada and Paula Calder.
Kerry Hague
Our (Manjula and my) friends are really really cool and warm.
After three months I can appreciate (wrong word if it ever implies like!) three distinct and overlapping stages (not quite the right description) that also still exist, often all at exactly the same time.
The first is raw, extreme grief that fills your every moment when not concentrating on physical practical action things such as rituals and sorting things out. It still raises it awful ugly head and manifests itself in salty wetness every single day. Needless to say it also involved anger, pity, it was frankly messy. Sharing my feelings and the support of friends around the world was superb. Overall though it was and still can be really shitty. More on the three buckets of grief can be found here.
Second stage became more obvious and vivid when I was at Liz’s house (big ex, mum of my boys and still a great friend of Manj and I). On a small corner table was a photo from my eldest son Ben’s wedding with Manjula in the group. During the evening I found myself looking away from her picture as I was overcome by sad feelings. At that moment I properly realised what I’d been doing and what I needed to do next. The sad memories of the difficulties she experienced, particularly at the end and of her being snatched away needed to be and were being replaced by lovely memories of our time together, the adventures we’d created and how much of a difference we’d made in each other’s lives. I therefore spent more time Looking at her photo, appreciating her beauty; remembering the joy and the wonderful life we’d created. Things slowly start getting better.
Third stage. I’ve now met up with our friends in India, UK, USA and Canada to share our memories of Manjula. People’s care, kindness and compassion has been immeasurable. I now feel that whilst the above ‘stages%’ are still very much part of my life, and things will continue to be raw for some time, I need now to start pulling things together a bit, get a bit more focussed. To move from any regret to remorse, check article here. A critical part of that will be to confirm and clarify, speak out to Manjula, ask her forgiveness for the things I didn’t do, or wish I’d done more of or better, and recognise the amazing things we did do, thanking her for her time with me (that continues) and being an absolute star.
I love you Manjula and always will.
It’s eight weeks now. I’m in London and carrying with me a photograph of my beautiful Manjula.
We don’t have access to Mysore Market and it’s wonderful selection of beautiful fragrant flowers.
Manjula did however love receiving roses and the local Sainsbury’s has obliged.
Manjula is, of course, in my thoughts, every single minute but I also especially remember her by placing her photo somewhere prominent and displaying flowers on the monthly anniversary of that Saturday morning when she died.
Me and MYCycle 