Tom and Amy, aka the lovely couple, who Manjula and I adopted after the first of many visits to Mysore Bed and Breakfast.
Their apartment looks out onto the sea. What a fab location.
Brighton and Hove on the English south coast an hour from London.
The final chapter, last leg, finale….
We knowingly enter it at or around age sixty.
It helps confirm time is limited. It raises questions of how one has used the time available and the new challenge is to live each moment fully (if we haven’t been already).
For some it might be fulfilling wishes, completing the bucket list while for others it’s reflection and for all of us, more learning.
For the wisest and where they see its possibility it’s about joy, contentment and happiness.
Being kind, creating gentle ripples.
Leaving positive impact
It’s about living life to the full, being attentive and with as much presence as we can muster.
I realise I’ve entered this last leg, as is often the case with me, things get thrown up in the air and I work out what’s feasible, desirable for the next version/iteration.
I’ve been careful not to rush it as the trauma of losing MAnjula has jumbled up my brain cells and bent the connections to create more than the usual fuzz of uncertainty.
For the next two years I plan to continue commemorating MAnjula but I know she would want me to find ways to be happy and that will involve reconnecting and being kind. It will not necessarily be like before and I hope it’s innovative. Who knows? I’ll adapt and find out what works in this new and final stage.
This was written at the end of 2021 and complemented previous postings including the one about ‘opening up my heart.’ Bit of a coincidence there. 🤭
Two significant changes have recently taken place to challenge me further and throw some light on opportunities to help fill space around my grief, recognising it will always be with me and hopefully diminish the impact of the grieving.
It’s related to People, health and meaning…
More later…..
Catching up with friends
My first trip back to the U.K. in over two years.
The journey through the airports and flight went smoothly as fast as pre-pandemic. I had test results and certificate proving I’d had my vaccinations. No one checked anything.
Being entertained by and entertaining my granddaughter Poppy. She’s eight and I’ve missed seeing her for two years! All of us share that pandemic experience.
Exploring Hebden Bridge with Liz, the mum of my boys, big ex or as Manjula would say: wife number one. We remain close and dear friends of over thirty years.
Today’s cherishable sad and sweet memories are the times Manjula and I spent together.
Here
The writer Didion coined the term ‘vortex’ in her book ‘a year of magical thinking’ about the year after her husband died.
It helpfully describes when one is ambushed by trigger memories of good times spent together.
But I wasn’t ambushed, as I fully expected it.
These are sad and tearful yet happy treasured moments in central London. I know it so well yet it now has an other dimension.
I have swam in it, swallowed it, fought it, opened my arms to it, shrivelled from it, tolerated it, hated it,.. It’s hit me like a personal tsunami, been wishy washy, sticky beyond treacle, invaded my brain to make it fuzzy and cracked open my tentative comfort zones. I know it’s a lifelong friend I have to accept it. It’s equal with and probably surpasses the combined effect of all the worse times in my life and for the first time uncovered real solid regrets.
It’s a gravy train that doesn’t bring benefits or maybe it does.
My heart was broken by losing Manjula, I covered it up and held it close but now I’m beginning to feel able to open my heart again. So there are positives to discover and learning to reveal.
I now love Manjula even more and in ways that I couldn’t imagine. I’m tentatively beginning to be kind to myself.
Part two of this series of postings is the heart
Thank you for your support during this horrendous journey.
I love you Manjula
It’s National car washing day.
When we follow the tradition of warriors asking the gods to ‘bless’ their weapons.
Now it’s for all our tools and especially bikes, cycles and cars.
More young people aged from seven through to twenty-nine are befriending me.
The latest are the excitable cycling duo of Yashodhar and Srivaastav.
Who saw me walking Lucie and asked me to wait while they rushed home and brought me these pictures.
Complete with carefully designed envelope.
How nice.
and helping her soul spirit or atma continue her journey
Plus celebrating her, the night before, in the pub
Vanshika and her younger sister Samiksha with their gifts from Manjula
Vanshika was the first to borrow books from the library. She was worried that her English wasn’t perfect, well it’s much better than this Yorkshireman’s.
I enjoy meeting new people for enlightening conversations. We cover an incredible range of subjects.
I’m regularly contacted by young people who arrange to drop in and talk and often borrow books from Manjula’s library.
Thank you, from happy old man
Me and MYCycle 