I think it’s safe to say that I haven’t been avoiding it.
I’ve travelled through the most difficult period in my life. I’ve faced it, even embraced it, it’s still with me and always will, grief has become my unwelcome friend.
As I follow Manjula’s teeny tiny steps, remember our happy and yet challenging life together, as peeping through the cloudy sadness I learn more and love more about her, realise how lucky I was and continue to celebrate my beautiful, wonderful, kind wife.
I’m sharing always, and I continue to write our story but it will be some time yet before it’s finished. At times, it feels like I’m showing my devotion by building the Taj Mahal in matchsticks. So hang on a little longer. 🙃
In the meantime, there’s early postings about our life together, here on our site for you.
I wish I’d discovered this earlier, when Manjula was with me in person.
I realise with Manjula and others I love, that there are often times when I’m — ‘not quite there.’ I have a tendency to distance, to go numb when stressed, withdraw and move to the edge.
On reflection, I think this might be one of my most significant failings. OK OK, queue here to add to the list….. (of significant failings) 😉
Presence Stephen, be there …
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Maria Popova’s Brain pickings which arrived in my mail box today, relates to this, and has introduced me to Thich Nhat Hanh.
I love this quote and there is more here, if you’re interested….
Some of my friends have been kind enough to share that when I lost Manjula they felt for me and hugged their own loved one closer and tighter.
It’s great that friends gain insights from our loss, which heightens their appreciation of their loved ones now.
….
I”m not sure we can maximise every single day and live it as if its your last (how exhausting) but Thich Nhat Hanh points out that we should strive to be there, to be present and connected to our loved one(s).
I realise, I did what I could in the circumstances but it’s always possible to do more and better.
The intensity of loss highlights how important your love always is and will be, it shows how invaluable is the support you can give each other especially in challenging times.
Manjula continues to give and she was always there and present, remarkably so, more than anyone I’ve known. More in our story, you’ll just have to wait.
I realise now that then you’re shocked by untimely death your love doesn’t perish, it grows in intensity and in a way, absence doesn’t diminish presence.
Her presence is of course beyond all the pics I’ve got around me of Manjula at home or that I occasionally ride through the city 😉 .
and such kind considerate friends Tom and Amy (seen here on the right with Manj and I from the big photo album) who arranged the whole thing from the south coast of England. How lucky am I?
As part of the deal Lucie and I have found two lovely new friends. We’ll be hearing more about Sahana and Tapan…
Absolutely super, thank you Tom and Amy, I look forward to seeing you soon.
Sowbhagya came in one of Manjula’s old dresses. Not the best idea. Lucie followed her into the kitchen thinking it was Manjula, SB hugged Lucie and burst into tears.
I walked Lucie for my own tearful.
Unforeseen and coincidentally photo of MAnjula in the dress recently popped up on Facebook.
Lucie clearly affected. Still missing her in so many ways.
Sowbhagya arrived with Dosa for her breakfast. The dining table was converted to one of my four workstations but she managed to find space. She was trapped but I blame her. She did show interest. So I launched into the synopsis of Manjula and my story, written for Anita.
SB was immediately engaged and liked it. We both enthusiastically remembered Manjula: her character, her kindness, her fun. SB could see connections with her and other women’s experiences but also how she was especially adventurous, strong and independent in the face of so many challenges.
I’m encouraged.
Last Saturday was the first session of Anita’s Attic. A programme for writers — yes, that’s me, officially a writer, of sorts — over the next twelve weeks.
There’s ten of us in the online group: taught, facilitated and mentored by Anita Nair.
Anita is a famous writer of English novels, here in India. My own favourite is Ladies Coupe and I hope that our story will feature similar expansive characters to help us discover more of India and wonderful people I’ve been fortunate to meet.
A wonderful message from Manjula on what would have been her 47th birthday. Created by Faizan from the many videos she made for Stephen and our worldwide family.
The two lovely videos below are made by Tom and Amy who became so significant in our lives, we ‘adopted’ them.
In my pursuit of new experiences and to help deal with my unwelcome friend: ‘grief’, I’ve joined an online therapeutic group.
In the group there’s four of us and we meet for two hours at a time. It’s been a great personal support, we’ve gained insights from each other and it’s helped us realise we’re not alone
It’s confidential so I’m not able to share any of the content but I want to compliment the therapist/facilitator and tell you about one of the techniques.
…..
It’s called empty chair, and involves me talking to Manjula and then swopping chairs to talk to myself, as if I’m Manjula.
Sound weird?
It is, but handled sensitively it’s powerful. I shift backwards and forwards in a continuing conversation ably facilitated, with gentle directions and questions. At the end, I reflect and everyone is able to chip-in.
So what’s the outcome?
I feel more positive through being able to chat with Manj. I understand better and realise how lucky we were to find each other.
It’s helped me articulate and continue to deal with my guilt. I’ve explained to Manjula what I failed to share before she died, to understand what she probably thought and create a narrative for dealing with the trauma and it’s aftermath.
She knows I am always there for her, understands I was stressed-out and unable to accept she was dying which limited my ability to be understanding and supportive or even know what to do.
I feel that I let her down and regret we didn’t say goodbye. It has however helped me recognise that I did what I could and have to accept what is.
I’ll improve my learning in this new discomfort zone and value Manjula in more ways, share her smile and kindness with others and give it to myself.
I’ve been able to hear from Manjula that she’s with me, loves and forgives. I recognise her strength and positive attitude and take that on board to guide me.
We are both able to go on with each others support, recall more of the positive, to accept what is, be there for each other, joke, recognise the wonderful life we had together and share our love.
I intend that we’ll meet again.
I feel less alone and commit to finishing our story.
…..
The facilitator is the founder and Director of a countrywide network helping match counsellors to those in need. Do check it out. Please see below.
Me and MYCycle 