SB was all prepared for todays big puja.
After our ‘family’ weekend, that’s Me with the girls…. Kaveri, her mum Chandrika, sister (aka auntie) Radikha together with Lucie at Chera Rocks in Kannur,
We introduced body boards to the beach, work and play. A fun weekend together.
‘Nothing makes living people feel more powerless than Death’
Moist eyes.
Manjula once told me that she wished to be reincarnated as a tree
This book reminded me of that
So if you ever see me talking to a tree….
You know.
The world music festival in south England
There’s a group of us that meets and camps together each year. Sharing cooking and news of our lives, supporting each other.
WOMAD 2023
We’ve lost two from our group that’s MAnjula and Peter but they’re still in all our hearts.
‘Til later…
Poor Sowbaghya has to listen when Lucie has shown me the paw and Billet-Doux treats the place like a hotel.
Are they giving me a not-so-hidden message?
OK, I’ve bored her, explaining how (she knows) I read a lot, so have a broad knowledge (superficial) of many things.
That includes what to do about my current situation.
The problem is : we know stuff but do we act on it? We may have received the information but it’s not sunk in or led to the necessary change.
It’s as if I’m in an automatic Photo Booth that’s lead lined or surrounded by an (iron) curtain that stops the information getting through. I get it but not enough as it does not lead to action.
For example Kanchana gave me the ‘secret’ book and Tom has provided all sorts of positive insights—many others have helped— but it’s not led to the realisation of awareness and ‘action.’
You know the sort of stuff.
Well it began to fall into place this week. The timings right on the fourth anniversary of losing MAnjula
For more than four years there’s been a volcanic reaction, starting with the denial, then the acute shock of loss followed by the slow constant grinding down of grief.
Leading to anger and intolerance, to myself and others. it’s all so wrong… that negativeness is not what MAnjula (aka Full Full) and I are about.
It’s had its ups as well as downs and I’m generally quite robust (or so I thought) but the biggest challenge is the blame, the guilt, the what-ifs, wrapped up in depression. I have the overall feeling that I’ve let Manjula down and now I can’t do anything about it as she’s not physically with me anymore.
But I can …
learn to forgive myself, let the past be there, continue to celebrate MAnjula and as Louise says
“Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back”
I really believe that but now need to act on it.
I remind Kaveri to ‘be kind’ and I need to listen and act on it myself and with myself
Hay’s book appeared in Manjula’s library, on the 23rd March, a gift from Rakesh
Farrell Factoid
Goes without saying, listening is an integral part of this process. This popped up today.
We continue to celebrate and recognise beautiful Manjula with …..
Next…..
Is Manjula’s fourth death anniversary and …
We’re already … Meeting and preparing with crafts and more books for Kaveri’s second Summer Holiday.
And Manjula’s library is getting used…
Ina leaves … The premises and now I’m sad.
Ina from Adelaide was Manjula’s closest friend., amongst our guests
It was as if there was an essence of MAnjula wafting back here with me, as she regaled me with the stories of the times they’d spent together. More dimensions of my wonderful were revealed.
They’d sometimes, maybe usually arrange for Ina to visit when I was away.
I can’t think why.
After first visiting in 2014 she was back in 2015, shortly after we got engaged and then each year with breaks solely due to the pandemic.
In 2018 we had a great time (yes I was allowed to be here) celebrating Manjula’s 45th birthday, also hosting our first ‘ workawayer ‘ Willian from Brazil.
During this visit which lasted two months! The longest ever. 👍🏽🤔🤭🙂
We went to a traditional dance to share with MAnjula. Then made a special celebration of Manjula’s Birthday as Ina had missed our big event in August on her birthday itself.
Led Lucie astray.
… revisited places on Srirangaptnam close to MAnjula and I, that had featured in our wedding.
Ina together with reading ‘a pocketful of happiness’ by Richard E Grant has helped me realise — as oddball in Kelly’s Heroes would say: “less of those negative waves man,” —- that I’ve allowed the grief gravy to engulf me leaving angry bitter negativeness in its forever trail.
So I’m going to sort it and get myself back on track to rewrite our story with one or two innovative tweaks.
Ina’s farewell note:
Stephen having Manjula in my life was one of the best things that happened to me, I still think of her a lot and she continues to be a great inspiration.
Tears again
Me and MYCycle 