I wasn’t feeling well this week and so Kaveri wrote me a note
How kind and thoughtful is that?
… and then I stumbled across this study which reaffirmed what we know —- how relationships are critical to a happy sustainable, satisfying life.
Here’s my girls …
My Indian wife and daughter.
Farrell Factoid Footnote
Kaveri isn’t actually my daughter but it’s as if I’ve ‘adopted’ her and support her on behalf of my beautiful caring compassionate wife
This is a big emotional and practical step.
We’ve found one option that we could make work here. Do take a look.
…
This is an invite for our friends far and wide to get involved. Guests from the past and those that might join us in our new form.
What do you think?
A lovely French family that recently visited emphasised the proximity to the centre, quiet area, great decor and good communal space. Got it!
We need storage space including for cycles and car. Some of the current accumulation will have to go.
Now there’s a challenge.
But of course with any momentous change we need to do our research.
Here’s another option for us to consider …
Anjali found it for us. Its advantage is it’s independent, with a garage, and its rooms are a bit small — We can make it work though.
Sowbaghya and I are leading the team of investigators (that includes you) — of course, I draw MAnjula in as it’s for her too.
Let us have your suggestions and know what you think.
Three years ago, one of Kaveri and my favourites was Big Panda and Tiny Dragon
Norbury’s latest book reveals how journeys might be forced on us. We can’t ignore it, we have to adapt and it’s ultimately a positive development.
BUT that depends upon our perspective and how we handle it.
Same with us.
After sixteen years …
I’ve been given notice by the landlord that he wants the house back for a family member.
That’s a big practical undertaking and will be a massive emotional challenge — as I’ll be leaving the home that MAnjula created, shared with thousands around the world and lived in together for nine wonderful years.
Today, SB and I visited a possible alternative.
I hesitate as it isn’t an independent house, however we could potentially have two together on one floor.
That would be four bedrooms, two halls, two kitchen, four toilets/bathrooms, a balcony, and a dining space.
Where could we put the library?
With a view over the rooftops
and the adjoining park.
The other worry I have is the potential neighbours.
The owner seems to be a friendly open and helpful guy.
I expect he’ll be concerned about our different guests coming and going and having to deal with the unknown foreigner.
Pets might be an added problem. We have a cat billet-doux and I may want another dog.
I hope, he realises that our approach to rearing and managing a dog is very different, it’s kind and gentle. With Lucie she had a great temperament. That’s partly down to how we managed her. That’s not always the case here.
After a first glance I think we could make it work.
Im attracted to being part of a mini community.
.As MAnjula would say, let’s see.
Well I’m feeling it at the moment.
It’s one thing after another.
…
Registering with the Foreigners Registration Office is always unpredictable and stressful.
It’s extra this time as I’m not knowing where
my next visa will come from
…
Owner wants his house back, after sixteen years, it’s the house I’ve lived in for the longest, in my whole life.
It’s where MAnjula created our home, introduced it to the world as Mysore Bed and Breakfast and where she lit up my life like a smiling sunbeam for nine years. It’s where we sited a blue plaque (as a famous person lived here), her library and entertained thousands of people.
A museum even jokingly claimed it as their annex because it’s a living breathing art gallery from around India.
…
Continuing to sponsor and support eleven year old Kaveri in spite of her mother and new partner sabotaging us, by changing schools, days of absence and inability to help
As MAnjula would say ‘we’ll see’.
The last few weeks have been quite difficult.
In Didion’s book ‘a year of magical thinking’ (well it lasts for longer than a year … like forever) she writes about the vortex, I call it being bushwhacked.
One is ….
Attacked for no apparent reason, as the sadness arises — mainly due to recollections that appear — as if from nowhere.
There’s also a regular hidden sadness that surfaces as intolerant anger.
Sorry everyone.
I’m dealing with CBB — can’t be bothered — but it’ll get sorted.
Here’s the letter I wrote to MAnjula after she slipped through my fingers.
I stumbled across it today. It was as I began my journey through the tunnel of love paddling the thick grief gravy and I remembered….
Manjula the ever-smiler, radiated love like the rays of a sun.
When I can —- I recall the wonderful light she brought into my life — puts the awful loss and memories of her slipping away, into the shade.
fortunate am I?
A beautiful wife — of many wonders — one of my many gifts from India.
Now in addition to my MAnjula
memories living
in my heart there’s a little thing
Helping fill my life and manage my grief …
Putting it in its place. …
Thank you
MAnjula and Kaveri.
Yesterday evening as I was waiting outside a shop selling dots for one’s forehead —
—Manjula used to give them as gifts as we travelled through England—
A woman asked where she was.
I pointed to, inside the shop and after a perplexed reaction, realised she wasn’t asking about the little girl (Kaveri) or Manjula, for that matter, but the dog (Lucie).
The girl was stocking up for the return to school.
I’m well known in my area and in Mysore generally but usually because of my appendage.
I am nothing, not even a number.
…
I once walked into a hotel (restaurant) right on the other side of the city, for the waiter to ask me where’s the dog. He also lived in Siddarthanagar.
So I’m well known for who I’m with …
As of this morning, as I realise, I stick out like a sore thumb as generally there’s rarely other firangis (foreigners) here. There’s a new appendage.
A tree
As I was tossing and turning in the midst of my AWOL, nightly sleep I realised there was only this morning for me to be able to decorate the tree for Christmas.
Kaveri will be going back to school.
Kaveri is here for less than 24 hours and we’ve decorated it together for the past three years since we met. I’ll not see her again until a few days after Christmas Day when we’ll belatedly celebrate Christmas.
A bit too late to do the tree
Plus our usual totem is now too big and heavy for the hall aka lounge.
What to do?
Easy
Get up before the girls and after walking as man and dog, I go out again, to the nearest ‘nursery’. It’s run by guys from UP on the roadside. I haggle with them from the Firangi-Gora (white) — tax – price, to something resembling the price a local would pay. About half.
Then as I’m trudging home— convincing myself that I’m exercising my muscle diminishing 60+ years arms —- with very regular rests. I realised I’m another spectacle of the foreigner ‘variety’ who is entertaining the locals, especially the men at the chai shop and the women sweeping the streets. They’re interested as no one can possibly work out why the rich foreigner is carrying a tree and not using an auto rickshaw.
A wonderful young man, rescues me from the ordeal of the last stretch, stops for me to balance precariously on the back of his bike and gets me home.
I’ve become the foreigner, not only with dog and girl but now the tree
It suits me
…
Ok it doesn’t look very heavy but the weight is in the pot.
It’s now decorated.
But now the cats eyeing it up, for a potential attack thankfully for the moment she seems satisfied with the empty decoration boxes.
A recent arrival at Manjula’s Library.
There’s a short chapter on ‘the language of love’ my reaction is not surprising, given the subject.
It happens ‘sometimes’. …
There’s a physical tightening of the stomach and a sort of shift in the eyes and forehead leading to the feeling of tears welling and a teeny moisturising of the eyes. I’m still making my way through the fantasy fairground tunnel of love slowly through the thick mud of grief gravy. Whilst I’ll never get to the end I need to ensure I break into the positive memory zones and rediscover tolerance.
On the way I’m reminded of previous moments of our wonderful life that I was lucky enough to share with my MAnjula.
Her love was constant (probably) and consistent built on her strengths of attentiveness and presence. I love her more as I’m share more of its layers passing through this crazy tunnel.
I realise that I’ve written this with John Lennon’s Woman playing in the background and it all started with you are my sunshine.
Lyrics below
Woman
I can hardly express
My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness
After all, I’m forever in your debt
And woman
I will try to express
My inner feelings and thankfulness
For showing me the meaning of success
…
Woman
I know you understand
The little child inside the man
Please remember, my life is in your hands
And woman
Hold me close to your heart
However distant, don’t keep us apart
After all, it is written in the stars
…
woman
Please let me explain
I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain
So let me tell you again and again and again
I love you, yeah-yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah-yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah-yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah-yeah
Now and forever
——-
You are my sunshine
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take
My sunshine away
The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you
In my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and cried
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take
My sunshine away
Radiated through her smile and her actions.
As I’ve paddled my boat through the grief gravy the layers of Manjula’s love become more apparent. I learn more everyday from her life.
“But when you want to gain love through success, it cannot be achieved through anything quantifiable. The people that will be crying when you depart the world are not doing so because of any number that is tied to your name. They are doing so because you were a loving partner, a caring friend, or a shepherd of kindness. You are dearly missed not because of what you’ve earned, but because of what you represented.”
The illusion of control.
I expect I’m doing my usual and stating the bleeding obvious.
In this unwelcome necessary extraordinary extended period of reflection and potential growth, I realise the greatest challenge.
Yes it’s about loss and grief, goes without saying, I suppose.
There’s been many but especially three (many more of course but three for listing here) . Losing someone through splitting up with a lover, second losing Manjula when she died. Now I’d count my tonic to deal with the grief as the third. It’s not loss but deep down it’s the equivalent.
So why do I put them together?
They represent times when I felt unable to do anything … actually experiencing powerlessness, learning lack of control in some situations.
That realisation comes … After a lifetime of reinforced messages that it’s up to us, we’re masters of our own destiny and in control.
The third example is having the wherewithal to support and guide Kaveri but to realise how handicapped I am in the face of a completely dysfunctional family who don’t understand or care.
Well done, Farrell — that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into (only yesterday, Kaveri was asking about Laurel and Hardy) — But of course it’s about regaining one’s equilibrium, being positive and constructive, working out the way that works and the benefit I can gain from another of life’s lessons.
So in a different way, it does depend on how we take it and manage the situation — critically it’s in the eyes of the beholder—and mostly about our relationships.
So as I said bleeding obvious.
I send this to you because you might not believe it but you are very important
As Kaveri knows, BK
Me and MYCycle 